Everything and Anything Amanda

A Call For Help

I made a HUGE mistake by taking time off school. Yes, it’s so very difficult with Ethan but I should have never taken time off. I should have continued with just 4 classes and kept the lottery. And even if I couldn’t do 4, I could have done 1 or 2 without the lottery. I feel like if I don’t go back soon I never will and I couldn’t imagine not. I mean, Chris is doing it, why can’t I? I stay home with Ethan but I know if I were to start slow again I could do it. I’m just so scared to go back and get back into things. I may be gone for just an hour or two and I miss Ethan so much it hurts. What will I do when I may need to be gone hours or all day? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
What do I do?

I need to know. I know I shouldn’t lie about it to the school because it was my choice but I’ve thought about writing the lottery board and telling them I was never aware I could ask for my scholarship to be held and if they can go ahead and hold it for me since I was not aware. I know it’s unethical but what am I supposed to do? “I’m sorry I felt that the time was not right, but now I’m ready…I think?” I’m so confused at this point. I may even look in to just doing one or two summer classes and the cost of that and see where that goes. I need to be strong and pray that I find the answers I’m looking for.

I really need to...

Update this more. I feel like my life has so much going on that I shouldn’t have an excuse to not write, yet when I find time to I can’t think of anything. Where to begin?

BC. BeautiControl. That’s the new company I “work” for. It gives me the opportunity to stay at home with my boys but also make money, what could be better than that, right? However, I get discouraged SOOO quickly that it’s ridiculous. The minute I realize a spa is going badly or I don’t have enough guests, I go into a negative state.

GOAL: STAY POSITIVE: KEEP MY HEAD UP!

Positive note: I made $200 profit this weekend just for hanging out with some cool people and getting to do something fun. It goes to show that a good attitude can make a difference. (Thank you, Chris.)

Our House:Even though we haven’t applied yet I know we’re going to get it and be so happy there. It’s so nice and right by a park which is so great. I feel comfortable in the community and I’m really excited to move there!

I honestly have no clue what the point of this blog was, I just needed to write.

Happiness

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think.  Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne

Even though there have been a number of things in my life that have caused stress this past year, I’m am so grateful for everything life has brought me. Within this past year, I have gained a new family, new friends, a new husband, s new home and a new child who I brought into this world. Having all of these things have not only made me realize just how blessed we are, but also, just how sad people without these things are. I never EVER in my wildest dreams thought I could love someone the way I love Ethan. He has brought the most amazing joy into my life and has caused me to love Chris even more for what we’ve created. I look at Ethan’s drooling, smiling face and I know that things are going to be ok.

Chris has also been so incredibly amazing. I wish people could see what I see in him. He’s so talented and driven. It’s so wonderful to see him when he gets an idea in his head and how he goes a little nuts. It just shows the passion in him that I love. He treats me like I’m a queen and I don’t think I deserve it, but never the less, he continues, because he loves me. I thank God everyday for putting someone so amazing and special in my life.

Chris has also given me a second family, one that has been so very supportive, encouraging and helpful this last year. I blame them grately for my baby weight gain, however. :)

With everything else going on in my life, I have to remind myself just how lucky I am to have this much and I know that as a family, we’ll be able to tackle every obstacle life hands us.

“Sometimes I find it's easy to be myself, Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else.”

Very true. Being a woman has shown me that society expects me to be unhappy with myself. Ad, movies and commercials always show women complaining about their bodies and sizes. Hardly ever do you see a man looking in the mirror and complaining about love handles or a fat ass. Unfortunately, society has won. I used to be content with myself. As a child I can’t even remember EVER thinking I was fat since I was active and very skinny and long. But once I turned 11 I got hips and started to…well, we’ll call it “form.” I really thought I was ok with my weight though since I still took care of myself. What I honestly want to know is WHERE did that person go? The one who cared about eating healthy and being active. You would think that now as a mother and now that I am more aware I would be more cautious but instead I’ve honestly let myself go. I joined a mom’s workout group but because of my school schedule I’m not exactly able to go in the mornings. However, starting in 3 weeks I’ll be right back at it. It felt good too. I felt that even though I may have only lost 3 pounds, I was still doing SOMETHING. I’m still not sure if it is due to the post-partum depression or not but I notice I get very depressed about myself, and I begin to binge, making it even harder and worse on my self esteem.Everyone is telling me that I need to find a way to be happy with myself, but how can you be happy with something that disgusts you?

I can honestly, truely say I hate myself, inside and out. Because of who I am on the outside, I’ve become more depressed and just plain mean to people around me. I lose patience quicker and lately all I want to do is sleep. It’s a vicious circle really. I want to lose weight to feel better about myself but in order to lose weight I need to feel better first. I know that once school is over a large portion of stress will be relased. I really hope I can pull it together and just try my best.

12 more days

I honestly believe that in the last 14 years of my life, I have done (for the most part) my absolute best in school. I have always put it before anything else and I have done my best to BE the best. Now however, things have changed. I have different priorities now and they’re obviously ahead of school. I feel that with the baby now everything is secondary. Although I know school is VERY important, but it isn’t to me right NOW. I want to be the best wife, the best mother, the best daughter, etc. and within all those, the best student cannot happen. This semester has been a complete drag. I’ve always enjoyed school but this semester it has been a nuisance, not an enjoyment. I’ve skipped so many classes, missed homework assignments and fallen so far behind it’s not even funny. So I’m almost positive about what I’m about to say. I don’t want to go back to school until my kids are in school. I’ve thought long and hard about this and I honestly believe it’s what is best right now. I want my kids to be close in age, and if I were to continue school right now it would be at least 4 years until I could have another. Also, Chris is going to be our main provider and our number one in our family, therefore we need to give him our complete cooperation and attention. I want him to succeed because I see his talent and potential and I know that he can be the best. I love knowing that I am married to a man who is capable of so many amazing things, and I don’t even think he sees that yet :).Another thought I had today is that once I go back, who says I need to go to a 4 year school? I can do ANYTHING. That excites me. :) So, even though there are only 12 days left, I’m going to try my best and make the most out of it.

The first entry of many...I hope.

I started another blog and found that site not very appealing, so my husband suggested this one. I guess I’ll start with the basics. I’m Amanda and I have a wonderful man who I love but, to be honest, drives me nuts! I couldn’t imagine a single day without him though. I have a perfect little boy who is 5 months old and he has really shown me my reason for being. I am a student at UNM and I will be taking some time off to focus on my family and myself. I enjoy..no scratch that, LOVE scrap-booking and I don’t care if it’s nerdy. :) Mainly, I am trying to figure out who I am and really gain some sense of life and love for myself. I have slowly become a very negative person and I have hit a point in my life where things are pretty bad due to my negativity. I am a crazy person in this crazy world and all I need is some peace of mind. I’ve never really felt that I needed a blog but I feel compelled to write, no matter how boring or dull. After all, no one is forcing you to read it . :)

I’ll just start with my day and see where it goes:

BLACK FRIDAY. Oh goodness. Who knows WHY on earth I go out. All I get is frustrated, claustrophobic, and swindled into buying things. But unfortunately, I love it. We then went over to Chris’ aunt and uncle’s home for a “couples get together.” It’s a way to help out marriage grow and progress towards a good direction. It’s fun for the most part. I honestly have nothing to write today, but I will soon enough. This is a good intro, so until next time!